


Sumuru: The Breadbox Edition

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-09
Updated: 2008-05-09
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of the movie Sumuru, starring Michael Shanks, with audience participation.





	Sumuru: The Breadbox Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** I wrote this one quite a while ago, but didn't have it archived here.

EXT. SPACE

SPACE... THE FINAL FRONTIER... EH, SCREW IT. WE'RE HAVING FUN WITH THIS ONE. THERE'S NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE WHATSOEVER. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH SPEWABLES AND WATCH OUT FOR DROOL. THE WRITER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE TO YOUR SCREEN AND/OR KEYBOARD.

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE

[TWO ASTRONAUTS, ADAM (MICHAEL SHANKS WITH A RABID GERBIL ON HIS CHIN) AND JAKE (TERENCE BRIDGETT WITH A MATCHINGLY WEIRD HAIRSTYLE) APPROACH A PLANET. THEY'RE TRYING TO CONTACT THE COLONISTS, BUT THERE'S NADA RESPONSE.]

JAKE: Are you going to tell them why we are here?

ADAM: Not yet, I want to assess the situation first.

JAKE: Assess? What is to assess? I mean, down there is mankind's last hope. If they don't come to the party we are all royally screwed.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE ALREADY SEEN THE MOVIE BEFORE: Or not royally screwed, if you'll pardon the pun.

SLASHERS: We're pretty sure they've got the screwed part covered. Deep space, long distance travel, two guys alone... things happen.

NOROMOS: Can somebody pass us the popcorn? So we can throw it at people who talk during the movie!

FIREFLY FANS: The very special level of hell is reserved for child molesters, and people who talk at the theater.

[THEY PREPARE TO LAND, BUT RADIATION FROM THE PLANET HAS KNOCKED OUT THEIR NAV SYSTEM.]

JAKE: Uh... okay... Remember flight school? Manual steering.

ADAM: Just like riding a bull. Hold on tight.

SLASHERS: Did he just call Jake a bull? So Adam's a top then?

[SHUTTLE CRASHES, BUT DOESN'T GO BOOM IN THE FATAL SENSE.]

ADAM: Oh man... .we have got to find a better way of getting from planet to planet.

STARGATE FANS: We've heard of a way, if only the writers would use it.

STARGATE WRITERS: Leave us out of this one. And pass the Raisinets.

AUDIENCE: Thankfully, they haven't figured out how to play Region 2 discs at Bridge, or we might see a "homage" of Sumuru on SG-1.

[JAKE IS INJURED, WITH A PIECE OF SHRAPNEL STICKING OUT OF HIS CHEST. OF COURSE HE HAS NO REACTION WHEN ADAM'S HELPING HIM OUT OF THE SHUTTLE AND THE "SHRAPNEL" HITS A CABLE AND BENDS.]

JAKE FANS: He's just being stoic.

EXT. ANTARES

ADAM: Welcome to planet Antares my ass.

DANIEL FANS AND SLASHERS: [perk]

JAKE: Ow, get off me. What are you doing?

SLASHERS: Oh, so Jake's the top? Or maybe they switch out.

ADAM (WITH FAUX ACCENT): Damn it, Jake... I'm a pilot not a doctor.

TREK FANS: Not. Funny.

[ADAM GIVES HIM AN INJECTION OF A PAIN KILLER.]

JAKE: Oh yeah, baby... oh, that's much better.

SLASHERS: We're pretty sure Adam could make it a lot better. Baby. [snicker]

[ADAM PLACES A GAG IN JAKE'S MOUTH.]

BDSMERS: [perk] Naughty boy!

[ADAM PULLS OUT THE SHRAPNEL, AND THE DRUGGED OUT JAKE THINKS HE SEES A DOG IN THE DISTANCE. ADAM ASSUMES HE'S OUT OF HIS GOURD, UNTIL HE HEARS A DOG BARKING. HE LEAVES JAKE TO CHECK IT OUT, AND FINDS A YOUNG BOY AND HIS DOG.]

WILL: Snakeheads are behind us.

STARGATE FANS: [blink, blink] What. The. Hell?

STARGATE WRITERS: Lawsuit! We've got a lawsuit on our hands!

STARGATE FANS: They'll just use the same lame excuse you guys do -- homage.

STARGATE WRITERS: [fume]

[THE KID TURNS TO RUN, AND ADAM GOES AFTER HIM.]

ADAM: Snakeheads huh?

DANIEL FANS: Do the Jedi Mind Trick Hand Wave(tm) and say, "I'm not the linguist you're looking for," and you'll be fine. Dayum fine.

[ADAM CHASES AFTER THE KID, BUT HE'S CAPTURED BY TEMPLE GUARDS, WHO TAKE HIM AWAY. ADAM ARRIVES ON THE SCENE A FEW MOMENTS TOO LATE, AND AN EARTHQUAKE HITS. HE CONTACTS JAKE TO MAKE SURE HE'S OK, AND TO TELL HIM TO RUN SOME SCANS WHILE HE CONTINUES INVESTIGATING.]

EXT. TEMPLE

[ADAM ARRIVES AT THE TEMPLE AND STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WATCHING THE PROCEEDINGS. THE TEMPLE IS FILLED WITH WOMEN, CHANTING "SUMURU." SUMURU HERSELF ENTERS WITH HER ENTOURAGE, WHILE THE HEAD PRIESTESS, TAXAN, BEGINS THE CEREMONY, WITH THE OTHER WOMEN REPEATING HER WORDS.]

TAXAN: We hail the great serpent goddess who shakes the heart of our world. All powerful snake mother, receive our offering of blood.

AUDIENCE: [checking out Taxan's outfit] Whoa. She could put an eye out with those things.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: And we're certain that a planet with women in control and men subjugated would result in women wearing metal bikinis and high-heeled boots. Oh. Please. Everyone would be running around in sweatpants and muumuus.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: This *is* a B movie, remember.

MALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Looks like a D, maybe double D to us.

STARGATE FANS: Well, at least we know Anise's costumer is still employed.

[REALLY BAD CGI SNAKE APPEARS FROM A PIT IN THE TEMPLE FLOOR.]

AUDIENCE: Big snake. Really, really big snake.

GOA'ULD SYSTEM LORD: Show off. Good things come in small packages, baybee.

ADAM: Nice local wildlife.

DANIEL FANS: But the imagery over by the doorway is *much* nicer from our POV.

AUDIENCE: They missed a homage opportunity of epic proportions by not having him say, "I hate snakes!"

DANIEL FANS: Oooh, Daniel in a fedora with a bullwhip...

BDSMERS: Yes, please.

GOA'ULD SYSTEM LORD: Some of the females have tats on their foreheads. Are they System Lords or First Prime or what?

TAXAN: Sumuru, Queen of Planet Antares... the serpent goddess returns the sun to our sky.

SUMURU (FLATLY): We all thank the serpent for our sunrise.

TAXAN: Bring out the sacrifice. The serpent is ready to feed.

[THE GUARDS BRING OUT THE SACRIFICE, AND DOVE, ONE OF SUMURU'S GUARDS, FREAKS BECAUSE IT'S HER LITTLE BROTHER, WILL. DOVE TRIES TO FREE WILL, AND ONE OF THE TEMPLE GUARDS IS EATEN BY THE VERY BIG BAD CGI SNAKE.]

SNAKE: I've got my meal, I don't really care *what* it is. I'm outtie.

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: We're waiting for a "wardrobe malfunction."

TAXAN: Hold Them! They have defiled the ritual, throw them all in the pit.

SUMURU: Stop! You know the law, Taxan. Man kills, so man can be killed, but not woman.

TAXAN: Your woman just defiled our holy sacrifice and she killed another woman.

SUMURU: It was self-defense. Order your women to back off, Taxan.

TAXAN: I am goddess in this temple and that male is my chosen sacrifice.

SUMURU: You may be goddess in this temple, Taxan, but I am Queen of Antares. The girl serves me; the boy is her brother. I hereby pardon him.

TAXAN: You cannot pardon one whose body is promised to the Snake Mother.

SUMURU: I just did. Do you want a battle, goddess? Here and now?

[JAKE CONTACTS ADAM ON THE COMMUNICATOR, ASKING IF HE'S FOUND ANYTHING.]

ADAM (TO JAKE): Not a good time to talk.

TAXAN: A male! Take him!

DANIEL FANS: We'll take him, keep your grubby paws off him, bitch!

[ADAM FIRES HIS WEAPON AND RUNS, WHILE DOVE SHOUTS AT WILL TO RUN TOO. OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE, ADAM TELLS THE KID TO COME WITH HIM TO HIS SHUTTLE. THE GUARDS ARE RIGHT BEHIND THEM, FIRING WEAPONS.]

JAKE: Okay, so you found the chicks. Did you have to piss them off?

DANIEL FANS: It's his natural charm. Just ask Jack.

SLASHERS: Yes, please ask Jack about that.

ADAM: Shut up! Get in and lock the hatch!

[JAKE, ADAM AND WILL SCRAMBLE TO GET INSIDE, BUT ADAM IS HIT BY AN ARROW BEFORE HE GETS IN. WILL TELLS HIM IT HAS TO COME OUT, BECAUSE IT'S POISONED. TAXAN'S GUARDS ARRIVE, DEMANDING THEIR SURRENDER, BUT SUMURU ARRIVES, SAYING THE MALES ARE HER PRISONERS. A BRIEF PISSING MATCH ENSUES, WITH THE GUARD SAYING SHE ONLY ANSWERS TO TAXAN, AND SUMURU RESPONDING BY TELLING HER TO GO BACK TO THE TEMPLE AND TELL TAXAN THAT SHE'S CLAIMED THE MEN. THE GUARDS LEAVE, AND SUMURU ENTERS THE SHUTTLE, AND ADAM POINTS A WEAPON AT HER.]

SUMURU: Point a weapon at me again and I will kill you faster than the poison in your blood.

[SHE PULLS THE ARROW OUT OF HIS LEG AND GIVES HIM AN INJECTION TO NEUTRALIZE THE POISON. ADAM CRIES OUT IN PAIN AND PASSES OUT.]

SUMURU (WITH SARCASM): Males.

[SHE TELLS DOVE TO PLACE GUARDS ON THE SHIP AND TAKE THE MEN AWAY. SHE WANTS ADAM "CLEANED UP" BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO QUESTION HIM LATER.]

SHIPPERS: Question him? Is *that* what they're calling it nowadays?

GERBIL HATERS: And could you do something about the rodent on his chin while you're 'cleaning' him up?

EXT. ANTARES

[WILL'S STILL SEARCHING FOR HIS DOG WHEN DOVE FINDS HIM. SHE WARNS HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM THE TEMPLE GUARDS AND THE VILLAGE TOO. WILL COMPLAINS HE HARDLY SEES HER SINCE SHE BECAME SUMURU'S BODYGUARD, BUT SHE EXPLAINS THAT IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT HIM. IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE QUEEN, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A SNAKY SNACK.]

INT. SUMURU'S CHAMBERS

[ADAM WAKES UP ON A CIRCULAR BED, WITH THE CAMERA LOOKING STRAIGHT DOWN ON HIM.]

DANIEL FANS: Despite the chin gerbil... dayum! [thud]

[JAKE IS ESCORTED NOT SO NICELY INTO THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ADAM.]

SLASHERS: Oh please, oh please, oh please.

ADAM: What do you make of all of this?

SLASHERS: That apparently we're not getting any in this scene. Dammit.

JAKE: Well, they speak our language. Which means they are descendants of the colonists or a tribe that was in close contact with them. But apart from the kid the only people we've seen are women.

ADAM: Well maybe the gene virus got here before us and all the men are already dead.

JAKE: Nah. If the gene virus had eliminated their ability to reproduce the last colonist would have died like 800 years ago. If something is happening to the men it is happening in this generation now. But listen, that is not the worst part.

[WILL COMES IN, AND JAKE GREETS HIM BEFORE CONTINUING HIS REPORT. THE GEO SCANS SHOW THE EARTHQUAKE WASN'T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. THE PLANET IS GOING THROUGH MAJOR TECTONIC CHANGES AND FLUCTUATING MAGNETIC FIELDS.]

ADAM: Explains why our sensors failed.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Leave it to a man to look for any reason to blame his bad driving on something else.

JAKE: Remember Krypton?

ADAM: Yeah?

SMALLVILLE FANS: Yeah?

JAKE: Remember what happened?

ADAM: Yeah... No... No... No.

SLASHERS: It ain't *all* bad, we've got Clex as a result.

[ADAM FLOPS BACK ON THE BED.]

DANIEL FANS: Arm porn! [thud]

SLASHERS: OK, Jake, now you've got him down on the nice, big bed... Sumuru is obviously painfully unaware of alternative lifestyles, and how easy it would be to run Will out of the room. Not that we're complaining.

JAKE: This planet is cooked, Adam. These people need saving just as much as we do and their time is running out.

ADAM: How long?

JAKE: I can't tell unless I know the frequency of the quakes.

ADAM: Educated guess, Jake.

JAKE: All right! Two months, maybe three.

[ADAM SAYS IF THE GENE VIRUS IS ALREADY HERE, IT REALLY DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE ANYWAY. HE TAKES OUT A SCANNER AND SCANS HIMSELF, THEN JAKE, MAKING SURE THEY'RE STILL CLEAR OF THE VIRUS. ANOTHER BIG QUAKE HITS, WHICH WILL SAYS IS ONLY THE SACRED SNAKE MOVING. HE THEN ASKS ADAM WHAT THE DEVICE IS. ADAM SAYS HE'LL SHOW HIM, AND DOES A SCAN AND SHAKES HIS NO TO JAKE AS DOVE ENTERS, VERY PISSY THAT THEY'RE DOING SOMETHING TO HER BROTHER.]

JAKE: We need to talk to this queen of yours.

DOVE: After she bathes, the queen will interrogate him. (indicates Adam) Alone.

JAKE: Alone?

SLASHERS: Jealousy!

[ADAM LEAVES WITH DOVE, WHO LEADS HIM TO SUMURU'S BATHING CHAMBER. ADAM GETS AN EYEFUL BEFORE SHE'S FINISHED. AFTER SHE'S DRESSED IN A *SMASHING* FEATHER BIKINI, SHE PICKS UP ADAM'S WEAPON.]

ADAM: Careful, you could take someone's eye out.

AUDIENCE: Probably yours, for being a Peeping Tom, you perv.

SLASHERS: Don't worry, he wasn't interested in the view.

SUMURU: Quite a powerful weapon.

ADAM: In the right hands.

SMUTTERS: [snicker]

[SUMURU FIRES THE WEAPON INTO THE CEILING, STARTLING HER ATTENDANTS. SHE ORDERS THEM ALL OUT. SHE AND ADAM HAVE A LITTLE TETE A TETE REGARDING HIS WOUNDED LEG, HIS CRASHED STARSHIP, AND WHERE THE PLANET'S INHABITANTS ORIGINATE.]

ADAM: We came from a planet called Earth. It's far, far away.

LUCASFILM LAWYER: Just be glad you didn't say, "It's in a galaxy far, far away."

SUMURU: Earth.

ADAM: We also believe that your people came from there a thousand years ago.

SUMURU: 914 based on your calendar to be precise, slightly less than 700 by Antarean standard.

ADAM: Then you know about the colonists?

SUMURU: Not much. My science advisors pieced some of it together. We have almost no record the past 300 hundred years.

[ADAM ACTIVATES A HOLOGRAM OF THE PLANET FROM HIS WATCH. SUMURU SAYS A LESSER MIND WOULD THINK OF IT AS MAGIC, BUT SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T. SHE ASKS HIM TO TELL HER THE STORY. SHORT VERSION: THE OUTPOST WAS RUNNING FOR FIFTY YEARS, THEN ALL CONTACT STOPPED. THERE WAS NO ATTEMPT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE TWO WARS AND THE REBUILDING NEEDED AFTER THEM PUT THE FATE OF A REMOTE OUTPOST AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PRIORITY LIST. SUMURU QUESTIONS WHY THEY'VE COME NOW.]

ADAM: Jake and I came here to help you and your people.

SUMURU: Help us? How?

ADAM: Well... your planet is not in the best of shape. The core is unstable.

SUMURU: The quakes.

ADAM: Yeah... they are not caused by the snake monster you've got in the pit.

SUMURU: (sarcastic) Is that so? (/sarcasm)We mine oil and gas deep in the rock. Every time our world shakes my engineers measure every movement.

ADAM: But the... uh... sacrificial ceremony to the "serpent goddess"?

SUMURU: Taxan? At one point our people got so scared of the quakes they turned to religion for an answer. Taxan has been feeding on that ever since.

ADAM: Taxan is...?

SUMURU: The living serpent goddess. It is her warriors that shot you.

STARGATE FANS: Serpent goddess? Where's the glowy eyes and weird voice?

ADAM: Ahhh... seems to be a little bit more than political animosity between you.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

[SUMURU EXPLAINS THAT TAXAN WAS GROOMED BY HER FAMILY TO BE QUEEN, BUT THE ANTAREAN QUEEN IS NOT BORN, BUT ELECTED, AND TAXAN LOST TO SUMURU. ADAM TELLS HER TAXAN ISN'T HER BIGGEST PROBLEM.]

ADAM: To put it bluntly, your planet's dying. That is the cause of the quakes. We need to evacuate your people and find them a new future.

SUMURU: A new future? Where?

ADAM: Well, there are plenty of other planets out there with oceans, forests, snow-capped mountains. We want to help but we you need to persuade your people to leave.

SUMURU: How? On your starship? It is lying in the valley, crashed, burned, destroyed like all man's dreams.

ADAM: What does that mean?

SUMURU: It was written long, long ago man brought the curse of darkness.

ADAM: Where *are* the men of your planet?

SUMURU: Come on. I'll show you.

INT. TUNNELS

[WILL FOLLOWS ADAM, SUMURU, AND HER GUARDS THROUGH TUNNELS TO AN AREA OUTSIDE WITH MEN MINING.]

ADAM: Why is it only men down here?

SUMURU: Men have muscles, not brains. Men are workers. Women plan, organize, and make decisions. It is just the natural order of things.

ADAM: It's the natural order of things?

SUMURU: We keep them alive. On their own they would never survive.

ADAM: Men don't have brains?

FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Oh, they have brains, it's just they only have enough blood in their bodies to run one head at a time, and the little one usually wins.

[ADAM GRABS SUMURU'S ARM, AND THE GUARDS TAKE AIM AT HIM BEFORE SUMURU CALLS THEM OFF.]

SUMURU: Men brought the light of death upon us.

GUARDS IN UNISON: The light was a judgment on man's pride.

ADAM: What the hell does that mean?

AUDIENCE: We don't know, but the way they said it sounded kinda freaky deaky.

SUMURU: It's our history. Men are born to work and women are born to rule.

[ADAM ASKS ABOUT FAMILIES, AND SUMURU SAYS THEY STILL MATE WITH MALES TO REPRODUCE. ADAM SAYS THAT'S NOT WHAT HE MEANS, AND SHE SAYS THAT'S ALL THERE IS BEFORE KISSING HIM, AS TAXAN, HER HEAVING BOSOM, AND HER GUARDS WATCH FROM A DISTANCE.]

ADAM: A little kiss before I head to the gas mines?

SUMURU: I didn't save your life to waste it in the mines. I want to learn more from you.

SLASHERS: We'll just *bet* you do. Jake may have problems with that.

ADAM: It doesn't work like that. We came here in peace.

SUMURU: Men never go anywhere with peace in mind. We have peace.

ADAM: You call this peace? I call this slavery.

[SUMURU GOES TO HIT HIM, BUT HE GRABS HER WHIP AND TOSSES IT ASIDE. DOVE COMES AFTER HIM, BUT SUMURU CALLS THE GUARDS OFF. THEN SHE DECKS HIM.]

ADAM: Have to do better than that.

BDSMERS: Y'all *so* need a safe word.

[SUMURU AND ADAM FIGHT, THEN DOVE WHACKS HIM FROM BEHIND.]

DANIEL FANS: No fair! Two against one, and very sneaky!

[SUMURU ORDERS HIM LOCKED UP, ALONG WITH JAKE. ADAM'S ESCORTED AWAY, AND WE SEE AS TAXAN AND HER HEAVING BOSOM ORDER HER GUARDS TO KILL SUMURU'S GUARDS AND BRING THE STARMAN TO HER.]

TAXAN GUARD COMMANDER: My pleasure, goddess.

AUDIENCE: Only after Taxan's had her turn. [...] Ew.

INT. TUNNELS

AUDIENCE: Are these tunnels cousins of the SGC corridor, because we're seeing an *awful* lot of them.

[TEMPLE GUARDS AMBUSH SUMURU'S GUARDS ESCORTING ADAM, AND TAKE HIM AWAY. DOVE IS SHOT IN THE CHEST. WILL BEGS HER NOT TO DIE.]

DOVE: Will, it is important, tell Sumuru what happened. [dies]

INT. TAXAN'S CHAMBER

TAXAN: I liberated you from Queen Sumuru.

ADAM: Doesn't much feel like liberation.

TAXAN: You fell from the stars.

ADAM: Yeah... you can say that.

DANIEL FANS: Unfortunately, *not* naked this time.

TAXAN: My warriors tell me you carry the most powerful weapon they have ever seen.

DANIEL FANS: Does he ever! [...] Oh, wait, you mean the laser pistol, right? Sorry, our bad.

ADAM: Actually, your queen carries that now.

TAXAN: You have other weapons in your starship?

ADAM: Maybe.

[TAXAN ASKS ADAM TO JOIN HER TO DEFEAT THE BLASPHEMOUS SUMURU, BUT ADAM ASKS IF IT'S A RELIGIOUS CRUSADE, OR A PERSONAL VENDETTA.]

TAXAN: Sumuru believes in the ways of science, but science is the god of man, and man kills.

ADAM: Yeah... that is the second time I have heard that man kills theme today. You want to elaborate on that a little bit?

TAXAN: What do you mean?

ADAM: What do I mean? What do I mean... hmmm... well, I don't know. That 900 hundred years ago this place was, you know, a thriving terraforming colony with farmer, scientists, family units. Men, women, children, that sort of thing. What happened?

TAXAN: Legend has it that the gods were angered by man's attempt to force his will upon the planet. Lightning fell from heaven. There was fire without flames and those too close were burned -- mostly men.

ADAM: And the women just took over.

TAXAN: We can rule Antares together.

ADAM: No, I think sharing with a man is against your religion.

TAXAN: I am the living goddess. I make my own religion. Join me.

[SHE LICKS HIS EAR.]

AUDIENCE: Ew!

DANIEL FANS: Not that he'd taste bad, but with this woman? Ew!

[ADAM SEES SOMETHING HIDDEN UNDER SOME FABRIC. IT'S A VIEWSCREEN. A SNAKE SLITHERS ON TOP OF THE SCREEN, AND ADAM JUMPS BACK.]

TAXAN: Don't be afraid. They're my sacred children.

STARGATE FANS: Hathor might have something to say about that.

ADAM: Yeah, but they still bite.

STARGATE FANS: Having flashbacks to the "kids" with Hathor, eh?

[HE SNATCHES THE SNAKE AND CRUSHES IT WITH HIS BOOT.]

TAXAN: The penalty for killing my sacred serpents is death.

ADAM: Well... you know, once bitten, twice shy.

[SHE WALKS TO HIM, SAYING SHE'S PARDONED HIM, AND KISSES HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Looks more like a punishment to us.

[HE ACTIVATES THE VIEWSCREEN WITH HIS WATCH TO DISTRACT THE WITCH.]

TAXAN: Magic!

AUDIENCE: Well, Sumuru *did* say something about weaker minds, didn't she?

ADAM: Yeah, sorta. It's a magic view screen. Still has some juice left in its magic nuclear battery.

TAXAN: Make it light up again.

ADAM: I can't. It looks like the some of the magic transponders aren't working.

TAXAN: Give me that magic!

ADAM: I don't think that is a good idea.

TAXAN: I am Taxan... obey me!

ADAM: Sorry, goddess, my magic.

[TAXAN PULLS A KNIFE ON HIM, BUT HE KNOCKS THE KNIFE AWAY.]

ADAM: I see you're not into long running relationships, either?

[TAXAN CALLS FOR HER GUARDS, ORDERING HIM IN CHAINS.]

BDSMERS: [perk]

[THE GUARDS ARE SUMURU AND JAKE IN DISGUISE. SUMURU REMOVES HER HELMET, AND ACCUSES TAXAN OF SLAUGHTERING HER GUARDS.]

TAXAN: I have as much right to this male as you.

ADAM: Excuse me?

SUMURU AND TAXAN: QUIET!

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: [snicker]

SLASHERS: We think Jake may take issue with that.

[SUMURU SAYS TAXAN BROKE THE FIRST LAW OF WOMEN NEVER KILLING WOMEN. TAXAN BASICALLY SAYS, "TRY TO PROVE IT, NYAH NYAH."]

SUMURU: Dove's brother is a witness.

ADAM: So am I.

SUMURU AND TAXAN: QUIET!

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: [snicker, part deux]

TAXAN: Men giving evidence against women? Ha! You're wasting your time. Fool.

SUMURU: You're right.

[SUMURU KNOCKS HER OUT.]

SUMURU: I should have done it a long time ago.

JAKE: Nice shot!

ADAM (TO JAKE): Nice outfit.

JAKE (TO ADAM): Don't even go there.

SLASHERS: We will. Probably *many* times.

AUDIENCE: Oh please, a man with chin gerbil isn't exactly the best person to get fashion advice from.

[THEY LEAVE TAXAN'S AND MEET UP WITH WILL AND MORE OF SUMURU'S GUARDS.]

SUMURU: Taxan's warriors guard every tunnel between here and the city of history.

JAKE: City of history?

WILL: You mean the burn zone?

JAKE (TO ADAM): What are they on about?

ADAM (TO JAKE): Uhh... no idea but apparently there was some sort of catastrophic event hundreds of years ago called the light of death, which seems to be the key to their civilization.

JAKE: Light of death, burn zone. The colonists' command center had like a quantum flux power reactor, way unstable by today's standards. You think there might be a connection?

AUDIENCE: Ya think? [rolls eyes]

[THEY MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE TUNNELS.]

ADAM: So what's this burn zone?

SUMURU: Ancient buildings at the edge of our city. Legend says my people once fled from there.

ADAM: Fled?

SUMURU: Yes, away from the Light of Death.

[SHE TAKES OUT A NECKLACE FROM UNDER HER SHIRT. IT HAS AN IMAGE ON IT.]

SUMURU: This badge is handed down from queen to queen, a relic from the burn zone.

JAKE: It is an ancient faster than light cruiser, like a passenger transport version.

ADAM: There is something like this in the burn zone?

SUMURU: That is what I am hoping -- a ship to get you both off my world.

ADAM: Wait, wait, wait... if there is a ship like this, we can take you and your people with us.

SUMURU: You are rogue males here. I want you both gone, before there is more trouble, more women dead. I will deal with Taxan and order will be restored.

[SUMURU TURNS TO LEAVE, AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.]

ADAM (TO JAKE): Okay, brain boy, you think you can figure a way to fire up that ship after a thousand years?

DANIEL FANS: Brain boy? Been spending too much time with Jack.

SLASHERS: Impossible. But Brain boy? [giggle]

JAKE: Well, the quantum flux reactor in the command center is probably shot. But the fission generators might be operational, if we can get them powered up then maybe we can charge the cells of the ship... What, you got a better idea?

ADAM: It's insane and highly unlikely and no I don't have a better idea.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like the usual sci fi quality plan. And it sounds like Adam is channeling Jack O'Neil.

SLASHERS: Channeling. [snicker]

JAKE: You haven't forgotten we are supposed to take some of these people from Antares home with us?

ADAM: They're not going to cooperate with us. Right now they just want us gone.

JAKE: You haven't told her what's about to happen?

ADAM: I'm getting the feeling a man's word is not worth too much on this planet.

JAKE: What about Earth... you know, gene virus.

ADAM: Well, it's not going to make a difference. They don't care if we need them to survive or not.

[SUMURU, IN THE LEAD, SEES TEMPLE GUARDS HEADED THEIR WAY. THEY HIDE AS THE WARRIORS PASS.]

ADAM: There goes that never hitting a women thing.

JAKE: Wonder if hitting would have done any good. I mean, did you see the pecs on those chicks?

[WILL TELLS THEM THERE'S ANOTHER WAY OUT. HE LEADS THEM TO A SMALL HOLE IN THE WALL, BUT ADAM SAYS THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE FITTING THROUGH IT. JAKE SPOTS ANOTHER EXIT, BUT SUMURU SAYS THEY CAN'T GO THAT WAY.]

JAKE: I don't get it. What's down there?

WILL: There's a prison.

[JAKE HEADS DOWN THE TUNNEL, AS ADAM AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW. THEY ARRIVE AT A PIT WITH MEN LOCKED INSIDE.]

JAKE: Sumuru, what the hell is this?

SUMURU: We are wasting time here. Keep on moving.

JAKE: These people are caged up like animals.

ADAM: That's the way things are on Antar-ASS, Jake. The women rule and the men slave.

JAKE: That is bullshit!

SUMURU: Would you like it the other way around? Man brought the Light of Death.

ADAM, WILL, AND GUARDS: It was a judgment on man's pride.

JAKE: What are you on about?

AUDIENCE: More like what are they on?

[JAKE FIGURES OUT HOW TO OPEN THE CAGE, BUT SUMURU THREATENS TO SHOOT HIM IF HE DOES.]

ADAM: Okay, we don't have time to debate men's right here...

SUMURU: Men's rights?

[TAXAN'S GUARDS ARRIVE ON THE SCENE, AND SUMURU TAKES OUT SOME WITH HER BOW. ADAM TELLS JAKE TO OPEN THE GATE, AND TELLS SUMURU TO GIVE HIM HIS WEAPON. HE BEGINS FIRING AT THE TEMPLE GUARDS AND BLOWS SHIT UP, AND YELLS FOR THE MEN TO GET OUT. THEY DON'T UNTIL SUMURU COMMANDS THEM.]

BDSMERS: Well trained. They have potential.

JAKE: Now what?

SUMURU: The surface.

JAKE: I thought you said we would be spotted if we go to the surface.

SUMURU: It's the only chance we've got. Come on!

EXT. ANTARES

[THE GROUP EXITS THE TUNNEL AND HEAD TOWARDS THE BURN ZONE. THEY STOP AT AN OVERLOOK AND SEE THE VILLAGE BELOW.]

SUMURU: Antares, my home.

ADAM: I guess it's beautiful in a sorta Miami Beach kinda way.

INT. TAXAN'S CHAMBER

[TAXAN'S GUARDS REPORT THAT SUMURU AND COMPANY HAVE ESCAPED, AND RELEASED THE MALE SLAVES. TAXAN SAYS TO WORRY ABOUT THE SLAVES LATER, SHE WANTS THE TRAITOR SUMURU.]

AUDIENCE: And Adam is just the icing on the cake, as it were?

EXT. ANTARES

[ADAM TELLS SUMURU SHE DID THE RIGHT THING LETTING THE MEN GO, EVEN THOUGH SHE THINKS IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING ANTAREANS BELIEVE IN. SHE SAYS THANKS TO THEM, THERE IS NO CHANCE OF RETURNING TO THE VILLAGE.]

JAKE: Oh, like we want to return to your village. Like we even care...

ADAM: Jake!

JAKE: Oh, come off it, Adam, you seriously can't be siding with her on this.

ADAM: Jake! Go for a walk... GO! All of you... go... get out of here... go... just keep moving.

[JAKE AND THE OTHERS LEAVE SUMURU AND ADAM. HE EXPLAINS THIS IS PERSONAL FOR JAKE, BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS A KID, HIS PARENTS WERE TAKEN AWAY AND PUT IN A SLAVE LABOR CAMP.]

EXT. ANTARES

[TAXAN'S GUARDS FIND THE RELEASED MEN AND BEGIN TO ROUND THEM UP. TAXAN SAYS TO FORGET THEM, TO FIND SUMURU AND THE OTHERS.]

TAXAN: There is only one place Sumuru can take them -- the zone.

TAXAN GUARD COMMANDER: Goddess, we cannot enter the zone.

TAXAN: You are under the serpent's protection. Follow me.

EXT. ANTARES

[OUR HEROES ARE CLIMBING A DUNE WHEN A QUAKE HITS, SENDING THEM ALL TUMBLING.]

JAKE: Damn these quakes. You know, this planet is really starting to piss me off.

WILL: It's the snake mother. She's angry.

SUMURU: There is a reason for that, boy. Our world is ending.

WILL: Ending? What does that mean?

JAKE: This planet's old, kid, which means it can get sick like people and even die. That's why we gotta get you out of here... come on, let's go.

ADAM: You know, by now Taxan has all your people up in arms against you. You would be a lot safer coming with us.

SUMURU: I can't. I do not rule my people, I serve them, and if I had to I'd die for them.

ADAM: Whatever floats your boat.

SLASHERS: Or stirs your coffee.

[WILL FINDS A SKELETON. THE ANTAREANS CALL HIM THE KEEPER OF THE ZONE.]

JAKE: When this guy died, I'd say about 900 hundreds years ago, his bones were glowing in the dark, but we are okay, though, cause quantum radiation dissipates real fast.

AUDIENCE: Nice to know, since the whole point is you want to reproduce.

SLASHERS: Are we sure there's not a sci fi way around that? You know, an artificial uterus or something?

NOROMOS: Would certainly cut down on shippyness, wouldn't it?

SHIPPERS: Never!

NOROMOS: Worth a shot.

ADAM: According to the databases, the women were working the terraforming fields further north. All they saw was a bright light and a fire without flame.

SUMURU: The Light of Death.

JAKE: Look, mystery solved, okay... the colonists blew themselves up. Mostly women survived and they just, you know, rebuilt society to their needs.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: If that was the case, you'd see women in comfy clothes, and all the pretty men would be shaved and oiled up in a harem. And there would chocolate. Hot and cold running.

[TAXAN AND HER GUARDS ARRIVE AND START SHOOTING, AND OUR HEROES RUN TOWARDS THE RUINS OF THE BASE. ANOTHER QUAKE HITS, SENDING ALL FALLING ABOUT. WILL IS BURIED IN THE SAND. AFTER THEY DIG HIM OUT, ADAM SCANS HIM.]

WILL: Scanning my body again, Adam? No secret illness, right? Just like before?

ADAM: You betcha, kid.

SUMURU: What sickness?

ADAM: I'll tell you later.

SUMURU: No, now.

WILL: Scan her, Adam. She'll read negative, too.

ADAM: That's up to her, Will.

SUMURU: [holds out her arm for the scan] Do I pass your test?

ADAM: You're perfect.

SHIPPERS: Squee!

[JAKE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF, AS SUMURU DEMANDS THE TRUTH.]

ADAM: Your planet is dying. Our world is already dead.

SUMURU: Earth?

ADAM: A gene virus, long dormant, left over in our DNA from a gene war centuries ago suddenly became active. It destroyed our ability to procreate. There is no cure, there's no antidote. Over the last 60 years, human colonies all over the galaxy have diminished to the point of extinction.

SUMURU: So you and Jake?

ADAM: We are two of the last clean humans left. Scientifically speaking, we are freaks of nature.

DANIEL FANS: Not from where we're sitting.

SLASHERS: And if they're the last clean human males, shouldn't their names be Adam and Steve?

SUMURU: Why did you come here?

ADAM: Your community is the only healthy gene pool large enough to support the survival of the human species.

SUMURU: You came here to...

AUDIENCE: Knock you up? Yeah, pretty much.

ADAM: You tested negative for the viral antibodies. So did Will. There is no trace of the gene virus here. You're our last hope, you and your people. If we leave without you, there is nowhere we can go. Help us.

DANIEL FANS: How can you say no to *that*?

SLASHERS: Adam and Jake are making a great sacrifice if they're willing to keep their hands off of each other long enough to boink the snake women for the good of humankind.

SUMURU: Let's find the ship first.

SHIPPERS: Already found it, thanks bunches!

[THEY CONTINUE THROUGH THE DESERT, AND THE REMAINS OF A DOMED STRUCTURE COMES INTO VIEW. JAKE SHOOTS THE DOOR TO GET IN.]

EXT. DOME

[TAXAN AND HER GUARDS ARRIVE AT THE DOME. THE GUARDS HESITATE ABOUT ENTERING, SO TAXAN SHOOTS ONE TO SET AN EXAMPLE.]

AUDIENCE: That pesky "women don't kill women" rule is just *over* ain't it?

INT. DOME

[OUR HEROES FIND A CONTROL CENTER AND JAKE ATTEMPTS TO POWER IT UP. THE GENERATORS WORK.]

JAKE: Yes, please! You didn't think Mother Nature would spare an idiot from extinction, did ya?

[THE REACTOR SHUTS DOWN.]

ADAM (PATS JAKE ON THE SHOULDER): No comment.

[JAKE KICKS THE MACHINERY AND IT RESTARTS. HE ASKS WILL TO HELP HIM CLEAN IT UP.]

ADAM: How long before you can power up the cruiser?

JAKE: It is going to take me awhile to figure out if the system is stable and I will get back to you on that one.

[ADAM AND SUMURU LEAVE TO FIND THE SHIP.]

INT. HANGER INSIDE THE DOME

ADAM: Not bad for a thousand years old. Or many moons, whatever you guys call it.

[THEY GO INSIDE.]

ADAM: Oh yeah, I am going to need a vintage manual for this one.

STARGATE FANS: Or Jack.

[HE CHECKS THE CONTROLS. THERE'S SOME POWER, BUT THEY'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO NEED THE GENERATORS JAKE IS WORKING ON TO POWER UP TO LEAVE.]

SUMURU: Who says I am going with you?

ADAM: You have no future on this planet.

SUMURU: What future will I have with you?

SHIPPERS: We have some ideas!

ADAM: You'd have a chance.

SUMURU: A second chance?

ADAM: It's up to you.

SHIPPERS: [sigh]

SLASHERS: Hey, Jake had first dibs!

[JAKE AND WILL GET THE GENERATORS GOING THE WAY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO.]

JAKE: Aha! Welcome back to the age of interstellar travel and holographic swimsuit catalogs, kid.

WILL: Cata what?

JAKE: Cata... uhhh... you know a planet of bootyliciousness and you're not even old enough to appreciate it. That is a tough break, kid. [he adjusts some controls] Okay... let there be light... All right let's get this baby powered up and get the hell out of this hellhole.

[THEY BEGIN POWERING UP THE CRUISER. JAKE TELLS ADAM VIA RADIO THAT HE CHECKED THE BASE LOGS UP UNTIL THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT. THE QUANTUM REACTOR BLEW DUE TO A PHYSICAL DEFECT, PROBABLY A REACTION TO THE PLANET'S RADIATION, BUT NO JUDGMENT, NO LIGHT OF DEATH, AND SURE AS HELL NO FAULT OF THE ENGINEERS, MALE OR FEMALE.]

SUMURU: So we were wrong all along? But...

ADAM: It's natural. I think, after a disaster, everyone looks for someone to blame. I guess it helps to channel pain into anger. It's human.

SUMURU: But our society, our beliefs. It's all based on a mistake?

ADAM: Yeah, I think most of Earth's cultures are based on a mistake of some form or another. It's making the best of it that counts. Maybe now you can do that.

[JAKE AND WILL CONTINUE WORKING ON THE GENERATORS. JAKE TELLS HIM HE'S GOING TO ENJOY WHERE THEY'RE GOING, BUT WILL MISSES HIS DOG. WILL THINKS HE HEARS SOMETHING (AND HE DOES, IT'S TAXAN AND HER GUARDS), BUT JAKE IGNORES HIM WHILE THEY POWER UP THE SHIP. WARNING LIGHTS GO OFF. JAKE SAYS HE DOESN'T THINK HE CAN CONTINUE THE POWER. ADAM TELLS HIM TO SHUT IT DOWN, BUT BEFORE HE CAN, TAXAN AND HER GUARDS ARRIVE.]

JAKE (INTO WATCH): Adam! Snake attack!

[ADAM AND SUMURU RUN TO HELP, AS JAKE TRIES TO SHUT DOWN THE REACTOR BEFORE IT BLOWS.]

SLASHERS: It's not the good way to get blown.

[ADAM AND SUMURU ARRIVES, CATFIGHT PROCEEDS.]

JAKE: Adam! Generator's in the red; this place is going to blow.

ADAM: How long?

JAKE: Five minutes max!

ADAM: Power up the cruiser; get those blast gates open. Go! Now!

[JAKE AND WILL HEAD TO THE SHIP TO GET IT RUNNING. MEANWHILE, THE CATFIGHT CONTINUES. SUMURU KICKS TAXAN INTO AN ELECTRICAL PANEL AND SHE FRIES.]

AUDIENCE: Regular or extra crispy? Hopefully, nobody wanted breast meat, because there's nothing there but plastic.

ADAM: Oww, that had to hurt. We gotta go.

[THEY TURN TO LEAVE, AS TAXAN'S TOASTED HAND REACHES FOR HER KNIFE, AND SHE GOES FOR ADAM.]

ADAM: What. The. Fuck? Is this bitch the Terminator or what?

AUDIENCE: Probably enough synthetic for that to be a possibility.

[HE SHOOTS HER.]

ADAM: Yeah, didn't see that one coming.

AUDIENCE: [snicker]

[JAKE AND WILL HAVE THE SHIP READY TO GO, BUT THEY'RE WAITING ON THE OTHERS. THEY FINALLY ARRIVE, AND THEY BEGIN TO LIFT OFF. APPARENTLY, THE PLANET'S TIME IS UP BEFORE THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.]

ADAM: Jake, want to do a systems check and find out how far this piece of fine vintage machinery can take us, please?

JAKE: I'm on it.

[THE SHIP IS CLEAR OF THE DOME WHEN THE GENERATOR EXPLODES. THEY FLY OVER THE DESERT, SEEING THE PEOPLE OF ANTARES BELOW. JAKE SAYS THEY HAVE ENOUGH POWER TO GET TO SIRIUS STATION. ADAM JOINS SUMURU IN LOOKING AT A MONITOR AT THE PEOPLE ON THE GROUND.]

ADAM: Listen, I know we lied to you about our reasons for coming here.

SUMURU: Men lie. Women lie. There was deceit and treason in my own circles. But you saved my life.

ADAM: And you saved mine.

SUMURU: I've never needed anybody's help before.

ADAM: Well, maybe it's not about needing someone's help.

SUMURU: But about wanting it?

[ADAM KISSES SUMURU.]

SHIPPERS: [squee of epic proportions]

[ADAM TELLS JAKE TO LAND NEAR THE TEMPLE TO PICK UP SURVIVORS. SUMURU AND ADAM GO OUT TO MEET THEM, AND THE PEOPLE BOW BEFORE HER.]

SUMURU: On your feet. Stand up, all of you. We are going on a great journey together. It's not one we want but one we have to take, nevertheless. We're going to the stars.

[A MALE MINER STEPS FORWARD AND RETURNS HER WHIP.]

SUMURU: I don't want it anymore.

BDSMERS: You sure? It's nice.

[THE PEOPLE BOARD THE SHIP, AND IT BEGINS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY.]

ADAM: What the hell was that?

JAKE: A quake, Adam, I told you!

AUDIENCE: "I told you so!" doesn't save asses.

SLASHERS: No matter how pretty.

[ADAM LOOKS AT THE VIEWSCREEN, AND SEES THE BIG SNAKE OUTSIDE.]

ADAM: Oh, you gotta be kidding me. That was no quake.

AUDIENCE: No, it's a really bad special effect, and a stupid bit of the plot that makes absolutely no sense.

WRITERS: We've got women in metal bikinis running around in the desert. Logic isn't exactly our strong point.

[JAKE GIVE ADAM A "WHAT THE FUCK?" LOOK.]

ADAM: Don't ask, I'll tell you later.

SLASHERS: That sounded awfully close to "Don't ask, don't tell" to us.

JAKE (AFTER LOOKING AT THE MONITOR): Ahhh, man! I knew this was too good to be true. Look, if that thing damages our thrusters, we are stuck down here, you realize that?

ADAM: Fire up the left parking booster!

JAKE: What?

ADAM: Just do it! JAKE: Whatever.

AUDIENCE: No, no, you said that wrong. It should be What. Ever.

[HE FIRES THE BOOSTER AND THE SNAKE PULLS AWAY.]

JAKE: All right... and on the menu tonight, ladies and gentleman, Southern fried snake... 3, 2, 1... Bite me!

ADAM: Bite me?

SLASHERS: It *was* an invitation, wasn't it?

JAKE: Let's get the hell out of here.

[JAKE BEGINS SHOWING WILL HOW TO NAVIGATE THE SHIP TO SIRIUS.]

WILL: And after that?

JAKE: After that? Pick a star, kid...

WILL: Okay!

AUDIENCE: What? No "second star to the right and straight on 'till morning"?

WRITERS: No, we were afraid of a lawsuit.

[A DOG BARKS, AND A TEMPLE GUARD ENTER WITH HIS DOG.]

GUARD: He was at the ladder to the surface, barking like crazy. I thought there must be something or someone really special up there and if there wasn't, hey, I could use some company.

WILL: Oh, thank you so much. Ohh, Dog!

AUDIENCE: So all is forgiven with one of Taxan's guards because she rescued Will's dog?

WRITERS: Yeah, sure, why not. Come on, we had a freaking big snake in this movie, what did you expect?

AUDIENCE: And does the poor dog get a girlfriend on the Love Boat too? Everyone else has.

SLASHERS: And who says it has to be a girl? He can be Clifford the Big Gay Dog.

[ADAM AND SUMURU LOOK OUT AT THE STARS.]

SUMURU: A universe... ours for the taking.

ADAM: Let's hope we don't screw it up.

SHIPPERS: Nah, you're just supposed to screw each other.

SLASHERS: [grumble] Missing scene! There's *got* to be a missing scene somewhere! [checks DVD extras, finds no missing scenes] Dammit.

THE END


End file.
